Christmas List

1. "A"s for my exams; Good results will only lead to better things. It'll be a sign that I am smart enough no take it a little easier next semester. It will give me bragging rights, not to mention the things I might get from my parents who expect this kinds of things. (CAR!!)


2. Prunes; They are good for anemia and constipation.


3. A car to call my own.


4. Double-A batteries; No matter how many you buy, there is never enough of them is there?


5. The death of Sean Kingston/ or the banning of his biblically idiotic song which is popular only because he croons the words "suicidal" all the bloody time.


6. World peace?; I'm becoming idealistic now.


7. A jar of Marks and Spencer's Free Trade Marmalade (thick cut); Its good. Healthy too. Well, a marmalade sandwich is healthier then a roast leg of lamb for breakfast isn't it?


8. Nobel Prize for Physics; Why does potato chips always crumble into more then two pieces? I have the answer. I'm not going to publish them here in case someone steals the evidence before I can claim credit for it.


9. An explanation as to why a batch of transparent ballot boxes cost RM16 million. I mean if there are 219 seats representing 219 constituencies, that would mean, each voting station needs RM73000 worth of transparent boxes? Someone has made an accounting blunder somewhere. They could at least have tried to get a discount.


10. Happiness and prosperity to all my friends and family members. After all, where would I be if not for you lot, propping me up like that? Laughing at my lame attempts at comedy. Pretending to laugh at my lame attempts at comedy. Asking me to explain my last lame attempt at comedy.

The Fatkins Diet

It is of course that time of the year again. The holidays. A time of sleeping late, hard partying, overeating, and laziness. In that sense, much like normal college life, only it is during the rainy season.

It is then appropriate then to create a dieting program, in order to maintain whatever figure you care to keep.

Breakfast (around 2pm)
You might find the time I suggest weird. Not exactly. My theory is, if you eat only 2 square meals a day, you would effectively be cutting off 1/3rd of your daily intake of those wretched calories. Still, many have asked. (well they would have asked, but I have not posted this blog yet when I write it, but many will). Still, why breakfast, and not lunch? Well, I guess even if you wake up at 1pm, lets not let standards drop by cancelling breakfast. It is, after all, the most important meal of the day.

So, for breakfast, what is needed is something which gives you energy and is filling. Might I suggest oatmeal? It is full of fibre, and the best thing of all, it tastes horrible. The reason behind this is, if you don't like it, you would be less inclined to finish it. And if you didn't finish, read my lips, you eat less!

And that is the secret, the less you eat, the less you gain. Its that simple.

Lunch (6-8pm)
Before the many observations I have made, I would have suggested something heavy, preferably with cream, to lull the body into a relaxed state, so you can fall asleep. Its not easy falling asleep at 9pm, considering you only woke up 8 hours ago, but with proper training and dedication, I'm sure you can do it!

This method is based on the scientific principle that nobody can eat while sleeping. Not even the fattest, most capable multi-tasker can achieve that feat.

Dinner (sometime around midnight)
If you are like me, and nearing the limits of unconsciousness, you will awaken sometime around 11pm. At this time, you might be feeling peckish, and in need for something with meat in it. I would not suggest fruit, because most fruits are sweet, and sweet means sugar, and sugar means more energy, can't sleep. A leg of lamb is much better. Or a McDonald's burger. They do deliverys now you know.

Once satisfied, its off to bed again. Keep this diet for several weeks and you will see a tremendous change! Honestly!



(The writer is not liable for any unforeseen incidents related to the implementation of said diet. The Fatkins diet is meant to be used with and not as a substitute to exercise. My result in gross unhappiness, bad breath, lethargy, internal bleeding, hallusinations, lack of blood to the brain occationally resulting in thinking one is an antique grandfather clock, muscle spasms, stiffness in the toenails, and a fondness for purple shorts. Use at one's own risk)

Clearing Contacts

The one thing I did find to do without giving myself agita, was the clearing of my phone book. It had to be done sooner or later, perferably in a quick and business-like fashion, rather then sentimentally, shedding tears while remembering events long ago. No. It has to be like removing a bandage, quick, and in one go. Let's see.

First person to get the chop was Aaron. I believe his last name was a beverage of some sort. He was my best friend in primary school and now that I think back, he was the only other Chinese student my grade. Weird. A sullen fellow. I have not spoken to him in ages. Looks like I never will.

Andy. I think he was either that fat kid in school, or the younger brother of another friend. Either way, its not really important, is it? Bye Andy, whoever you are.

Alexander. Yes I remember this fellow. Formerly a close friend, still see him around college. But apart from a passing "hi" in the hallways, I won't be needing this number anymore. Sorry old chap.

No "B"s. Maybe B is not a common name?

Chai. Probably the same Chai as the other 2 numbers, Chai's Hse, and Chai's 2nd. Could you think of a more oriental name? Still, we're still close, and he is still invited out on VI outings so I suppose you can stay, but not all of you. Only one of you can remain. Ok, two, but that's my last offer. Gosh I'm getting sentimental. Must hurry on.

Clinic. Seems important. Fax. Since I still can't remember my fax number I guess I can't erase you either. Golden Screen Cinemas. Fine you can stay. Although there is never aline at the Gold Class ticket counter anyway. Home. I can remember you, but if I were to lose my phone, perhaps a kind soul would ring you up? Kiara Club. Not important, but its nice to keep, isn't it? Maxis. Gosh, I can't remember the last time I rang you up. Still best kept for a rainy day.

And now we are at the "M"s. My goodness there are a lot of you Mr and Mrs. I guess as a student you need to call them that, but as secondary school teachers, I don't need yo lot anymore. This is for all the homework and assignments, and for everythime you displayed my work as a bad example. Begone foul megabytes!

Gosh that felt good.

Police hotline. My dad put you on this list. Why would I want to ring you up to hear, "Untuk Bahasa Melayu, sila tekan satu. For English, press two. - To report an act of vandalism, press one. To report a case of corruption, press two." and so on. I believe dialing 999 would prompt a faster responce. You can retire. There is someone younger and faster that would do your job for a third of the digits.

Phew. Even ignoring all the current friends and moving only to inanimate contacts has worn me out. I must leave this for another day. And to think I still have to clear the dead weight from my contacts list on Windows Live Messenger.

Boredom Kills

I write now only to accomplish what I had set out to do when I started this blog in the beginning of the fiscal year, to write 52 articles by the end of the 4th quarter, (one per week). I admit, posts are not exactly what you, (or anyone else for that matter) would call consistent. However, I seeing as I am near to accomplishing that target, I will push on, fueled by the burning desire to go further then I have been, to push forth into blogging achievement, (and not by the raw unbridled boredom that eats through the inside lining of my gut like a cancerous and malignant tumour).

Boredom. I now have all the time in the world, but nothing to do with it. Well, that's not true. I could always study, but lets not get into technicalities. Boredom is powerful. It makes us do crazy things, like insult a teacher, or call up people we would rather see under a bus. Or write a letter to the Star. Many ridiculous things we regret doing much later.

There is only so many cups of coffee a person can make before accepting the painful truth that there is nothing to do. The mind then wanders. We find ourselves walking around aimlessly. The little foibles that were not noticed before suddenly becomes upsetting. The flickering light. The uneven crease at the top of a curtain. That little mole on your forehead nobody notices anyway because it was blocked by your overhanging fringe.

Worse comes in the shape of wanting to repair the small bumps in the perfect world that is our life. In other words, I am talking about DIY. Thanks to that, you end up with a new starter of the bedroom celing light, a reformatting of the computer, and a bandage on the forehead. The holes in the wall of my shower from the mistaken idea that I needed a shower rack for shampoos instead of the floor, remain just that. Holes in the wall.

Reformatting the computer? Yes, I have done that. I thought I could make the computer safer by fiddling around with the Windows Firewall a bit. Needless to say, one should never delete any files if you don't know how it got there, certainly not one found in system folders.

I must think of something to do to ease the boredom. This is getting to be most unbareable.

Still, its better then going to school I suppose.