Parties are the Wart on the Face of Civilization

How would life be if parties had never been invented? Tents would only be used by Boy Scouts. There would be no such thing as disposable cutlery. You would have never heard an amateur speech. We as human beings, are not even programed to enjoy parties. When we were young, our parents took us to whatever open house event hosted by their friends in the next county, where they would get drunk and have a good time, and their kids, sit in the TV room, watching re-runs of a Disney movie, in total silence.

I speak of parties because I just went to my new school's Winter Formal yesterday. It was a low-budget affair, held in the school cafeteria, with water from the tap and cookies. Many people had the sense not to show up, merely buying tickets (which were just receipts), to shake off the inevitable teasing from their friends, to only not arrive, stating some improbable excuse. I know I did. But in a brief lapse of good judgement, I donned my suit and went.

Speaking of my suit. Its dark blue, and was tailor-made for my body circa-December 2005. I have, unfortunately, put on a few tons since then. The zip of my pants, (which was a perfect fit back then) flared so obviously I wore my vest to disguise it. But putting on the pants was easy compared to buttoning up the last button on my shirt, which came with the suit. I have built a viewing platform 3 feet above the ground using only wood, bamboo, and rope, and it was a far sight easier and faster then putting in that last button. I could have gone tie-less, but me, being vain, wanted to hide my 7 chins.

I do admit though, I did look good after everything was on me, but only in dim light. While squinting through the darkness, you can see I have broad shoulders, and a nice abdomen. This effect was caused by the vest I was wearing, which acted as a shiny black corset, forcing my stomach in and my chest outwards. Breathing, much less sitting down, became a chore. Nevertheless, wearing the vest was necessary in order not to look like a 10 pound meatball, stuffed into a 5 pound bag. A 10 pound sausage stuffed into a 5 pound bag looks better.

I arrived on time, Malaysian time, (20 minutes late), to find nobody I could recognize. Those who did know who I was, I do not, for the life of me, know their names. Had a cup of water and stood by the refreshments table desperately looking for a friend I could cling to. He arrived 20 minutes after I did. I just hung around those people, praying more of my friends would show up. None did. That says quite a bit about the type friends I managed to get, doesn't it? My house plants, for example like theirs, are alive, except I can't smoke any of them. (just kidding)

I found myself looking at my watch every 5 minutes hoping that 2 hours have past me by while I was drowning in the electric slide. (At least that's what I thought it was). I did dance a little, after some coaxing by my new friends. They were nice enough not to laugh as I attempted to bob my head to the beat, but after a while word got around, and nobody wanted to dance with me. That's how bad I was. Unfortunately, alcohol was banned from the dance, so I could not blame that. Neither will I be able to persuade my friends at school tomorrow, that it was the liqueur that they were seeing.

40 minutes before leaving time, I was all danced out. More and more people were leaving to go eat. The party was slowing. I wanted to go home. But I stuck to it. And I stayed. It was pretty much the same after that. Standing in the corner, drinking water, going to the restroom for the 15th time. It ended, I went home. It was not a bad night. I have had worse (see camping trip, 2002-2004). At least I was not stuck in a leaky tent while its was raining.