Poetic Justice

As you probably already know, it has been about 40 days since I arrived here in the United States of Americaland. So what have I learnt? Well, I have found that there are many things to hate about the U.S. I don't like what they call coffee, or food. I don't like the weather, and I'd rather have a vasectomy then live here. But are things any better back home? Well, I had some time to think about it, so I have written a poem about Malaysia. Forgive me in advance for the bad language, I needed sentences that rhymed, and I only had a day to work on it so, here goes:

My ode to the motherland


I was born here in a hospital,
I have lived here, in the capitol.

Kuala Lumpur is the place,
Where lies many tales.
A city of shopping,
A city of sales.

Shopping malls are everywhere,
Shopping's more then a phase.
You dress funny, people'll stare,
If they can see you through the haze.

The smoke chokes us, from the mountains to the sea,
"Whose to blame?" we ask, "Indonesia!" they say,
While local plantation companies say "Not me!",
For now, we may never see a clear blue day.

Traffic police booking, speeding cameras flashing,
Duck into the bus lane when nobody's looking.

Youngsters drive stupidly, thinking its funny.
While the rest of us drive slowly, In our old Nissan Sunny.

Still, its a safe country, But should you die, you are cremated.
Not by your loved ones, But by a law, deluded.

Freedom of speech is a gray topic,
For a population with many blogs.
Complaining about politics,
While the country's going to the dogs.

Property laws are strict,
Tearing down add-ons without registration.
Unless you are a State Counsellor,
Then all you'll get is a light damnation.

You pay taxes and what do you get?
Corrupt policemen and politicians, both in one set.

Women blamed for getting raped,
For wearing an overly seductive hat.
While the rapist walks free,
How f**ked up is that?

Local students dyeing their hair,
Orange! Green! anything but black.
More colours then the rainbow,
What's up with that?

We have satellite TV and that's out of sight!
But is all owned by one man, and that's just not right.

We have our own factories, our own motor industry,
Whose products are cheap, with handling like a rattan basket.
Who would buy them? Who indeed? We will,
While the noose is being tightened by a protectionist market.

People complaining they don't have prime homes,
People who don't work, asking for more,
While you and me, the taxpayers pay more and more,
How can we not feel sore?

A proud nation! A powerful nation!
Nobody thinks so but a true Malaysian.

We don't have bird flu, and that's not too bad,
But we do have dengue, and that's just so sad.

To those who are new,
Who are making this your home.
Shut up and listen!
Please consider this tome.

Singapore is the greatest, Singapore's the best.
From Changi in the east, to Tuas in the west.

Go there instead, and leave us alone.
We're crap, we know it. We stink to the bone.
The country is wounded, not all is well,
The bandage is failing, its starting to swell.

But I have no complaints, disconsider this poem.
For all of its faults, it still is my home.

Malaysia.

Re: Questions

Thanks for that very well-thought out e-mail. Yes I do consider you as a friend. Below are the answers to your questions.

1. My legal name is Ken Ming Wong. Yes it is a weird name, but if you compare it to the names of some of my friends here and back in Malaysia, it really isn't that strange after all.
2. Like you, I am from Malaysia, the land of bad drivers, and worse cars. Currently I am on a student exchange program sponsored by the American Field Service to the United States. I have been on this program since the middle of January and will be leaving come late June.
3. No I did not pay for this trip. AFS does provide several free programs similar to the one I'm on. Nevertheless, I do have to pay for things here, and because of the exchange rate, I do find myself overspending.
4. Well, the application process did stretch on for several months. It started when I approached my school's counsellor for information regarding any foreign exchange programs. I then filled out a form and sent it in. I then received an invitation to go for an interview, before which I had to fill out 3 more forms in triplicate and send it in. I was then informed that I had to go to another interview, but only having filled out more forms. At last, just before I sat for my SPM, I received word that I was to be one of the 38 people from Malaysia who will be going on this trip. Unfortunately, they would only let me go after I had filled out a few more pieces of paper and apply for my American visa. I swear, these people know more about me now then my parents do.
5. Of course it was worth it! Besides giving me the perfect pickup line for the month before I was due to leave, I have learnt much about life skills during my stay here. I now know that not all that is brown is coffee, not all that is green is healthy, and not all people are friendly. Life lessons that will only be beneficial in future.
6. Yes, I do have an English name, its Brandon. How did I choose this name, well that is a secret. He he.
7. Well, yes and no. school is different, and yet very similar. I still have to wake up at 6am to get to school and I usually reach home at around 4.30-5.00pm, but this is because of distance. School starts at 8am and ends, like most schools here, at 3pm. But there are 3 kind of days here. Mondays are called 'cram days', where we have all 8 classes we signed up for, Tuesdays and Thursdays are 'Odd days' and we would have 4 subjects, and Wednesdays and Fridays are 'Even days', containing 3 classes plus study-hall. It becomes easy to understand after a week or 2.
8. School is fun here. I have made many friends, I joined a few activities, for example choir. People are generally friendly to me, saying hi, as opposed to punching me in the face. Yes, I am quite happy.
9. The weather here has been terrible to me lately but things are warming up now. Snow is not as fun as you think. Its usually gray, its wet, and its cold. However, spring has been showing its face lately. I even went cycling yesterday. Stepped in goose shit. Will stay indoors from now on.
10. I suppose things are quite expensive here. Generally electronics are cheaper back home in Boleh-land, but I think there are more variety here. Except when it comes to hand phones and computers. nobody I met has heard of Lenovo or Acer, or Sony Ericsson K750. I caused quite a stir when I whipped out my phone after school to check for messages recently. Of course they won't tell you this, but I'm sure they were impressed.
11. The Nintendo DS far outsells the Sony PSP here. Most of my friends have the DS. I'm one of the few with a PSP.
12. Well, I don't see how this question is relevant, but yes I do type fast. Why? Do you see a few mistakes in my e-mails? In fact, typing this reply to you took me about 30 minutes, and I may use it as a post on my blog!

Ken.

Thorns in My Side-Part 1

Its February 14. Over here this date represents the most commercialized day in the English calender. I am of course referring to Valentine's day. This is a day with absolutely no purpose, other then another reason for candy and flower shops to jack up the prices and call it a sale. Its not even a holiday for christsake. If you need to wait for a special day of the year to buy chocolates for your loved one, chances are, you don't deserve him/her.

I did not enjoy myself today. Firstly, it was the coldest day I ever experienced since i arrived here. the snow was ridiculously thick. And it was windy. And it was wet. I came home having caught pneumonia. Actually, it was a sort of cancerous leprosy and bird flu, with a light dusting of the Ebola virus. If I had went to a laboratory that day, scientists would have agreed I was the sickest man to have not died yet.

Nevertheless, I had to go to school. I had to see this act of modern-day capitalism in motion. So, I went out into the arctic wind, with my sticky out nipples, walking from the outdoor parking lot to the school building. the snow itself is evidence that global warming is stuff of fiction, and should not be believed. Climate change, my bottom.

But there is something worse then Valentines day. Its the curse of modern day communication. Of course, I'm talking about text messaging. More to the point, the language used in modern day Instant Messaging. not only that, it being used in chat rooms the world over. How is it that the word "today" has the number 2 in it. Or the word "great", has an 8?

Txt Spk is on my list of "The Most Hateful Things in Modern Society". The problem is this teenage language is being carried on into the written language. Despite numerous campaigns launched against the use of txt spk, over a hundred thousand SMSs is sent everyday around the world.

That means this language is here to stay. That means, our English language will continue to be raped in this way. And that means, I will continue to see in chat windows, "2day I wnt 2 c doc who sd my bld prssur ws gr8".

Please don't use text speak. Please write as the dictionary says we should. Unlike what the teenage population has led us to believe, proper English has not become overr8ed.

Parties are the Wart on the Face of Civilization

How would life be if parties had never been invented? Tents would only be used by Boy Scouts. There would be no such thing as disposable cutlery. You would have never heard an amateur speech. We as human beings, are not even programed to enjoy parties. When we were young, our parents took us to whatever open house event hosted by their friends in the next county, where they would get drunk and have a good time, and their kids, sit in the TV room, watching re-runs of a Disney movie, in total silence.

I speak of parties because I just went to my new school's Winter Formal yesterday. It was a low-budget affair, held in the school cafeteria, with water from the tap and cookies. Many people had the sense not to show up, merely buying tickets (which were just receipts), to shake off the inevitable teasing from their friends, to only not arrive, stating some improbable excuse. I know I did. But in a brief lapse of good judgement, I donned my suit and went.

Speaking of my suit. Its dark blue, and was tailor-made for my body circa-December 2005. I have, unfortunately, put on a few tons since then. The zip of my pants, (which was a perfect fit back then) flared so obviously I wore my vest to disguise it. But putting on the pants was easy compared to buttoning up the last button on my shirt, which came with the suit. I have built a viewing platform 3 feet above the ground using only wood, bamboo, and rope, and it was a far sight easier and faster then putting in that last button. I could have gone tie-less, but me, being vain, wanted to hide my 7 chins.

I do admit though, I did look good after everything was on me, but only in dim light. While squinting through the darkness, you can see I have broad shoulders, and a nice abdomen. This effect was caused by the vest I was wearing, which acted as a shiny black corset, forcing my stomach in and my chest outwards. Breathing, much less sitting down, became a chore. Nevertheless, wearing the vest was necessary in order not to look like a 10 pound meatball, stuffed into a 5 pound bag. A 10 pound sausage stuffed into a 5 pound bag looks better.

I arrived on time, Malaysian time, (20 minutes late), to find nobody I could recognize. Those who did know who I was, I do not, for the life of me, know their names. Had a cup of water and stood by the refreshments table desperately looking for a friend I could cling to. He arrived 20 minutes after I did. I just hung around those people, praying more of my friends would show up. None did. That says quite a bit about the type friends I managed to get, doesn't it? My house plants, for example like theirs, are alive, except I can't smoke any of them. (just kidding)

I found myself looking at my watch every 5 minutes hoping that 2 hours have past me by while I was drowning in the electric slide. (At least that's what I thought it was). I did dance a little, after some coaxing by my new friends. They were nice enough not to laugh as I attempted to bob my head to the beat, but after a while word got around, and nobody wanted to dance with me. That's how bad I was. Unfortunately, alcohol was banned from the dance, so I could not blame that. Neither will I be able to persuade my friends at school tomorrow, that it was the liqueur that they were seeing.

40 minutes before leaving time, I was all danced out. More and more people were leaving to go eat. The party was slowing. I wanted to go home. But I stuck to it. And I stayed. It was pretty much the same after that. Standing in the corner, drinking water, going to the restroom for the 15th time. It ended, I went home. It was not a bad night. I have had worse (see camping trip, 2002-2004). At least I was not stuck in a leaky tent while its was raining.

Don't worry. Be happy.

Wow! My tenth post. I would never have thought I would be disciplined enough to write 10 posts (see both failed MSN blogs). But here I am, alive and well for the first time since I came to this crazy country (the well part. I have always been alive.) But recently, I'm finding it more and more difficult to write something. It would seem, I was designed to be able to write 9 good articles. I guess you could say, I'm no Tom Clancy, or Stanley Bing. Don't know who those 2 are? Look them up.

Now that I have a lot of free time here, I have become pensive. My non-hectic schedule and frequent trips to the toilet has given me time to think about my surroundings. More to the point, the world. I fear, we, as humans, will always be worried.

During the Stone Ages, I'm sure people were worried about finding shelter, food, fire. Today, the 3 biggest concerns for teenagers as researched by some census company are, (and I saw this on TV, so it must be true) cars, cellphones, and computers. Not exactly up there with the worries our ancestors had to face those billions of years ago, is it?

Humans have never stopped worrying. During the Middle Ages, I'm sure the plague and the possibility of roasting in hell for the rest of eternity kept people from sleeping well.After that was the great crusades between Islam and Christianity. Way before that was the threat of Roman invasion. Then there were the Huns, the Vandals, the Visigoths, and so many other tribes. Asia wasn't safe either. Numerous internal wars in China did not help the country. Famines almost ruined China. These are examples of real things to keep real people awake at night.

How is it now? We are constantly bombarded with reports that coca-cola will cause mushrooms to grow in your mouth, handphones will give you brain cancer, and genetically modified foods will invade your system and make you grow another leg. Now everyone is afraid of the clash between the pope and Muslim clerics, even though both religions ask for peace. Before this, was the fear a suicide bomber would walk up your driveway and become a thin Vermeer on your wall. Before that, was the Y2K crisis, where we were told that at the stroke of midnight, planes will start falling from the sky, ships would crash into Singapore, all our money in banks would disappear overnight, and civilization itself, as we know it, would come to an end. What happened at the stroke of midnight? absolutely nothing.

I blame the media for this. The media, a body which is supposed to report the news, has taken it upon themselves to predict the news as well. If they get it right, the news anchorman would present the 6 o'clock news with a smug grin, and a 'I-told-you-so' attitude. If they get it wrong, there will be no mention of that fact on TV.

This is the reason I do not believe the recent environmental observation in Paris, where people predicted the end of humanity because we are drowning in our own shit they call 'global warming'. I doubt this global warming. I agree that there is climate change. For example, the sky could be bluer. The rain, chocolaty? Why not? Admitted the amount of CO2 in the air is higher then ever before, but that's because there are more people, then ever before. The amount of CO2 produced by humans is only 3%. Maybe that's enough to cause global warming, but maybe its not. Nobody really knows. If you ask me, 3% is an awfully small number. I know this because I am a student, and I have exams.

Honestly, I feel that this climate change is caused by nature. There are now more trees on earth then ever before. So, its not that. Its a well known fact that there was global warming during the Medieval Time Optimum, otherwise known as the Medieval Warm Period, started in 800AD and it lasted for 600 years, long before the invention of the automobile, the Airbus, or even General Electric. After that was the time period known as, The Little Ice Age. If analysts made their observations and conclusions based on the difference between the temperatures now, and that Ice Age, of course it would show temperatures rising. See how studies can be manipulated? Oh by the way, the Little Ice Age ended just before the Industrial Revolution. So its only easy to blame industry. And that's what they do.

I know, this fear will not impact me, for I am cynical to everything in the world I don't like. I know in the end, this will drive us to spend billions worldwide to reduce emissions. And, I know, this measure will not work, as I know, we are just in a climate cycle, as proven above.

But I am concerned by the fact that we are scaring the young children with something that is still up for debate. We will just be creating a generation of tree-hugging hippies, who don't work, because they are too busy planting more trees. There is perpetual fear that the world would be flooded. Is this the environment we want our children to grow up in?

Well, if I'm right, this problem will fix itself after about 500 years. If I'm wrong, well, we would have colonised Mars by then, wouldn't we?

My CNY Greeting

Its February. Is this Chinese New Year month? Nevermind. I just realised that I won't be home for this celebration. But apart from the angpows, and family, is that really a bad thing? What is this holiday to me? Other then bad parties, days of leftovers, and oh yes, all those greetings.

Don't you hate those greetings? Its bad enough you are forced to wish well the people you rather see lying in a pool of their own blood in a ditch somewhere, or the friends of friends of your parents whom you do not recognize. You, as a human of the 21 century, are expected to inform everyone in that ever expanding address book that they are to enjoy a prosperous New Year via electronics.

Because of technology, we have to send e-mails, e-cards, postcards, greetings. We seek out our friends online, on blogs, on Friendster, in chat rooms. If only the person who invented Instant Messaging had patented his invention, he would be earning trillions by now. No wait, he probably is already.

The worse part about all this, is the senders of the greetings are expecting a reply from you. Maybe just to show to their co-workers that they do have friends. Perhaps its ok to not make a reply if say you meet that person everyday in school/office, but how many of us meet our friends on a daily basis? All of them? Well, apart from George W. Bush who sees his one and only friend Dick Cheney everyday, but last time I checked, they were not chinese.

Meaningful? How difficult is it to type "Happy New Year" and send it to everyone in your mailbox? It wouldn't take me more then a minute. I might just do it on the last minute.

If you do receive a message that is truly fantastic, for heavens sake, don't forward it. Chances are, your friend who sent that greeting is also a friend of that friend you will be forwarding that too, and he/she would have received that greeting too. Much worse, your receiving friend is the one who originally composed that greeting. That would be embarrassing.

So here's my proposal for CNY 2007. Let's not send greetings this year. Lets not continue this ridiculous tradition. I say it ends now.

Electronic greetings: 1972- Febuary 3 2007.

My message will not go out by itself. Tell your friends! And those with support, leave a comment.

However, judging by the amount of trafic that this blog recieves, I predict another good quarter for the telecomunications companies.

My First Trip to the Dentist

I gave school a miss today and I only awoke at 10am. It sounds lovely, doesn't it? Most of my school friends would agree with me. Unfortunately there was a reason for me to give school a miss today. I had a swelling in my mouth on my lower left jaw, and I had to go to the dentist.

There were ominous signs that the day would not be a good one. For starters, it was snowing. Heavily. My alarm clock failed to ring. I couldn't find my bottle of painkillers after I woke up. Then, on the road, it would seem that every traffic light we came across was red. The trip took an agonizing 20 minutes which could have been 2 decades to me.

Finally when we arrived at the dentist's office, we had to do something I was very strongly against. Trudge through the snow to the front door of the building. I was against it at first, but thinking about the pain in my mouth, which could very well be a mouth tumour, I grudgingly walked through that white hell.

There was, of course paperwork to fill out, as it would be my first time at that dentist. I noticed there was a huge playpen and computers with games for toddlers. I was thinking, "Wow! They really go to great lengths to ensure their patients children are well taken cared of and entertained while their mommy or daddy was having their teeth checked." But then I noticed, while the chairs were big enough for adults, they were only 2 feet tall. And there were pictures of smiling dinosaurs on the chairs. And on the walls. And on the carpet.

It was only after I came across a particularly difficult question, however, did I truly realise where I have been taken to. the questions were, "Would the patient resist treatment," and "When did was the patient last breastfeed/bottle".

"You took me to a pediatrician?!" I exclaimed, loudly.

It was then I was told that everyone here goes to a pediatrician until they were 18 years old. So, although I was 17 and-a-half, I had to go see a kiddy dentist.

Its so much different from back home. My dentist sees everyone. He gave me my first checkup, and a few months ago, put in 4 gold teeth into my grandma's mouth. Best of all, my dentist is an old friends of my dad's, and was very kind to me.

So I was brought to the X-ray machine, which was pretty impressive, then brought to the dentist's office, which was decorated with more dinosaurs. There was a flat screen TV that could be tilted above the dentist's chair, puzzle games on a low shelf, and another one of those short chairs in the corner. Other then that, it was a pretty unimpressive office. My dentist back home has a more modern office. At least he has stopped using the little mirror, and brought in a mini video camera.

I contemplated my situation as I stared out of the 3rd storey window with a magnificent view of the parking lot. The nurse came in and offered to turn on "Spongebob Squarepants" for me. I gave her one of those looks that said "I know you are joking with me, and I don't like it," and she gave me the look that went, "I know."

Worse was to come, however when my foster mom came in to wait with me. She kept on joking about my situation which on a regular day, I would laugh together and agree, but on a day when I am not on painkillers? People better get out of my way.

As is the custom here, the dentist kept me waiting for half an hour before showing up without so much as a sorry. The problem with pediatricians are that they are so used to working with a child, they no longer are able to speak in a way that is acceptable to ordinary people. I just sat there and mumbled "uhuh", as it is not easy to argue when someone is poking around my mouth, checking the areas that don't merit checking. I just wanted to scream, "I know I have an infection, would you quickly look at it, agree with me, and give me something to cure it, please." but instead I just said, "Really?"

Well that's all done. I'm at home now. the painkillers are starting to kick in. I feel sleepy. I wonder if I could skip school another day?